here, hold my brain fuzz for a second.
i want to start out by saying that i am a very flawed, distracted, human. i've embraced this about myself and in a way, it kinda makes me feel better when i vocalize this. for example, i'm constantly telling people "i'm very distracted today" or "i'm so stressed out, it's hard for me to think straight today."
today has been a day of anxiety. this is not something i vocalize too much. i let me anxious thoughts stay in my brain, they can live there, rent free, it's fine. but outside my person, the rest of the world will know i'm "distracted," "worried," "annoyed," "stressed."
today i was so distracted i almost ran a red light.
and that's all i can think of right now. seven hours later i keep replaying the moment where i realized the red light had been there for a while and that i should slam my brakes even though it'll send my old laptop flying towards the front of the car. that moment of shame where all the other stopped cars noticed just what i had done, that green light cannot come fast enough, and as soon as it does seconds later, i'm off again, trying this time to not be distracted by the guilt of having been distracted enough in the first place to make this error.
my brain is on hyperspeed right now, reminding me of everything i should be prioritizing, which at the moment, my brain thinks is everything but whatever i'm currently focusing on.
work on the marketing packet. okay, fine. no wait, you should figure out your passport stuff. well fine, alright, i guess i should be doing that instead. wait, hold on, what about bills? oh ok-- oh actually you need to find an apartment. no wait, too stressful, you can't sign on a lease without having a job, so maybe look for a job first.
that's been my brain today. over and over on repeat. things look fuzzy today. like i'm looking through a pinhole camera and my eyelashes are all getting in the way. my jaw is so clamped and my mouth so dry that i have to remind my brain to open it up and drink some water.
autopilot. it's incredible how much my body can do without me having to think. drive to work. clean a studio. reply to a text message. check my email. but i'm not really there. i'm really thinking about my passport. and dc, and money, oh wretched money.
what causes my anxiety? well, ask anyone who's anxious and it boils down to control. who would have known that me, imaginative, dreamy me, would get so hung up on trying to control all the real things around her? every cent of income, every second of the day, i must know who, what, when, where, why, and how it's spent. so yes, i'm a weird control freak for things i have no control over. or very little control over. group work? happy to follow and not lead. work? happy to do what gets asked of me. but something so fixed as capitalism and literal time and space? no. i must control.
so yes, control, but more specifically, the things that cause my brain to pump unnecessary adrenaline and fear into my being are time & money, baby.
i'm overwhelmed at the moment, which really, is very normal considering everything going on right now. it's a lot for one person to handle especially when said person thinks there aren't enough hours in the day. or that the wrong things are being prioritized. or that maybe she deserves to sleep in till 9 today.
you see what's happening? I literally cannot even write a blog post without my brain telling me these things. my anxiety works this way. it's just a feedback loop. a snowball. a rotation of thoughts that seem to get angrier and scarier every time they complete a lap. how do you fix a feedback loop? you move the source away. you break the cycle.
it's this really stupid paradox. i want to stop being anxious so i'm going to stop thinking about these things. wow, it's really hard to stop thinking about these things. wow i'm so dumb how can my anxiety not see that i'm being dumb? (now i'm anxious about being anxious) and then loop back again. for an unknown amount of time.
things get better, they always do. how do you get over a fear of control? well... you take control. so in situations where that power is taken away from me (i.e. it's memorial day and passport offices are closed HAH nothing you can do about that!) i get more anxious. which is why that one little thing is setting me off today.
i can manage my anxiety really well most days actually. so much so, that it's rarely an issue these days. it's just that, well, i had a plan. i was going to do this task today. i planned it all in my planner. and, well, now i can't. and time is ticking down until i have to be in canada. and now what do i do with this chunk of time where i was going to do this one thing i can't do anymore? i didn't make time to do it tomorrow but now i guess i'll have to. which then means less time to spend on the marketing project. which i've already postponed long enough because of two unexpected interviews.
so today my brain is fuzzy. and i'm sorry.
i'm sorry because i know i haven't pulled my weight at work today. and i haven't replied to text messages today. and i can't even abide by the road rules today.
my brain is fuzzy and heavy. anxiety has brought all his friends along and the house is bursting at the seams, leaving little to no space for all the other thoughts and responsibilities.
but tomorrow will be better. because i will take steps and actions to work towards the responsibilities and tasks that my brain thinks will make the world implode if i don't get to them. and as soon as the to-do list winds down my brain will realize, hey that wasn't so bad after all, and it'll stop pumping adrenaline into my body. my chest will loosen, my breathing will steady, my eyelids won't feel so heavy, my hands will stop shaking, and i'll be able to have my desired amount of caffeine in the morning again.